The Hustle – Article

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The awesome Scott McLean, sat down and gave me the chance to give a little piece of my story. He did an amazing job and I am endlessly thankful. The Article is here – http://www.mcleanisms.com/#!The-Hustle-Ariel-Kagan/h06fp/56919e550cf21dc8b1953e3f

Feel free to go read his other great pieces on those working hard in this city.

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Three Amigos @ Bad Dog Theatre

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Hi Internet fans, this coming November I am Co-featuring a show that me and 2 friends have decided to put together called “Three Amigos”. I have the pleasure of sharing the stage with Jay Freeborn & Hisham Kelati. We would like you all to join us and join our little trio for one night at one of our favourite venues in the city – The Bad Dog Theatre 875 Bloor st west.

Hope to see you there!

Their Stories – Live @ Comedy Bar July 6th

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Hi there

Thanks for finding your way here – maybe you have no life, or your job bores you and you’re easily distracted by the internet. Maybe (and I hope) you’re ready and willing to help contribute to my “creative” idea.

THE CONCEPT:

Everyone has a story to tell –  tales of embarrassment, humour, joy mixed with sadness, hope and a range of other subjects. Often after a show people will come up to me as a comic and say “oh I have the best story for a stand up bit.” These people usually follow up with “Ah but I could not perform” or “I don’t have the guts to tell it” So I am asking you – friends, family, fans or enemies. Submit your story in the box below and I will take the best stories and transform them into the performance of a one man show called “Their Stories” as if they were mine. You can be anonymous or not – there’s no shame in a name. If I pick your story for the show, you’ll get free tickets to see the performance in Toronto (getting here is your own damn expense) or a small gift baggie from me to say thank you. (This is assuming you fill in your details and do not want to be anonymous – I am talented but giving nameless people presents is a job for, y’know, a psychic. if I were psychic, I wouldn’t need you to tell me your stories.) (Gift baskets include: Beer, T-shirts, & Tickets to the show for you + 1)

I’m accepting all stories, but please try remember that this is a comedy show. If you’re not comfortable with jokes about child abuse – you might not want to tell me *those* stories. I’m also more likely to use stories from the dating world – that’s the motif I have in my head for the show. Stories about a bad date, or an awkward encounter with an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend, or an embarrassing moment in front of a partners parents are the sort of thing I’m looking for first.

Please note that minor details of the stories may be changed by me and a small team of writers. The goal is to make it a better story for the telling – we won’t be changing anything significant. The Performance date is set to JULY 6th @ COMEDY BAR – 945 Bloor street west with Special guest Troy Stark. Tickets are 5$.

Submit a story either on http://www.theirstroieslive.com or in the box below:

 

Oh…. South Africans.

Today marks a big day in South Africa, my home and native land. Maybe that is why I have this warm tingly feeling inside of me, or could it be the burrito I just ate? I feel it’s more likely a product of the home sickness I’ve been feeling lately. When I lived in South Africa I was never a patriotic person, I was never gung ho about things going on in politics or in the media. I just went about my life. But having left South Africa I can tell you it is a special and unique place. It holds so much of my heart and that’s been keeping me from getting comfortable here in Toronto. Maybe it is because I am afraid that such a big part of my identity will disappear, or maybe, just maybe, it is something more.

To be truly South African you need to know a few things. Mainly the 3 B’s: Binnits, Braai, and Beer. South Africans are warm, friendly, inviting and just generally good people. Black, white, purple, yellow, Afrikaans, Zulu, Xhosa, or English. Just good solid people that are hard to replace. Now I am not saying Canadians are awful, what I am saying is South Africans are unique and are the piece of home I miss the most. Then why do so many of us emigrate? Well, we all like to blame crime or the government, but to be honest it has nothing to do with that for me. I left for selfish, internal reasons. Government does play a small role as it is a very young Democratic country and although the previous government was horrendous and the whole world has heard about the injustice the Apartheid government put people through, that should not excuse certain things in this Government. It’s young and it’s learning so there will undoubtedly be teething issues. One of the biggest issues in my opinion is the “you owe us” mentality that the current government seems to have adopted. Instead of thinking about what would be better for the country moving forward they think about themselves, their own power, and own gain. That is why most South Africans back home and abroad should vote to show that the people have power. I may not go back for a long time but that did not stop me from marching my buns right down to 110 Sheppard Ave East Suite 600 and registering and then voting online. So here I sit writing this full of pride that we are a democracy and that I, half way across the world, can have a say.

And then I saw this one simple facebook post that filled me full of resent:

Election stuff

The first girl’s status is her view and she is entitled to that, I may or may not agree with her and that is not the point of this post, the point is to point out the ignorant mindset of people. Zuma is a man who has many skills like charisma and leadership and he knows how to play the political game so I applaud him for that. He is in power because he convinced people he was the right man to lead. You and I may not like that but that is how it is (just so we are clear I do not like it). The girl who commented first with “They stopped making those 20 years ago” also needs to be sat down and spoken to. On top that she’s an ignorant, privileged, white female. Trust me I know as an ignorant privileged white male, I feel I can make this statement. We sit and complain about things in South Africa but the majority of White people still have it golden there. I never in my life had done my own laundry! We are still privileged and live good lives and that is thanks to Mandela. Mandela the world’s greatest leader was in these ’20 years’ she is speaking of. If one person has taken a country more forward in the last century more than Mandela I would be surprised. I do not need to sit here and tell you how great he was, but I do want to sit here and point out how blind some people are. Her life has been forever changed by the work Mandela and his compatriots did (Zuma included). To call Mandela uneducated is an insult; just look up his biography and you will see how wrong you are- University of South Africa (1989), University of the Witwatersrand (1943–1949), University of South Africa (1942–1942),University of Fort Hare (1939–1940), Healdtown Comprehensive School (1937–1939), University of London International Programmes,University of London. The same can be said for Thabo Mbeki, who needs some praise for the job he did, he kept the country stable following Mandela, which was not an easy act to follow, but Mbeki did it in a workman manner and he was good for the country (Again these are my views). To call him uneducated is laughable – Lovedale College, University of Sussex, Institute of Social Science. He is more educated than I am!

Now I am not saying she cannot have her opinions too but the reason the country is in the shape that it is comes down to views like hers. The country should stand together as one, put a side race, put a side personal desire, put a side so many differences and focus on making South Africa a great place, the place that it is in my heart and the place I hope to return to.

Live @ Yuk Yuks

Hey guys & gals, I really hope the plural of girls is real for this as if I only have 1 chick fan I may have to cry and re-evaluate every life choice I have ever made. I’ll change my entire life get all serious see me rocking the Forbes 500 instead of this current state I am in where I am in a Poorbes 500 poorest list. This list also includes Djooma Djooma of the Central African Republic. It may be the trend of us African’s

Anywhoooo enough rambling here is a clip of that performance:

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Let me know what you think.

An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus in reply to the open letter sent to her by someone else.

Dear Miley

I am happy to hear that you have role models such as Sinead O’Connor. Especially because she is Irish and that means you can drink plenty. I mean not to push a stereotype but damn can they hit back some Guinness .

I am very please that you would like to dance around naked and show the world how much you love too lick sledge hammers. I am fan of tools. I am a fan of considerable talents and would very much love for you to sit and serenade me in pop song format that will not stand the test of time but is very much awesome in the here and now who needs more than that. I will be there with grapes feeding them to you one at a time as if you were Cleopatra and I was just some dude who would totally hit that.

“Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited,”- I agree, all those 0’s following the numbers on your bank balance is “Nothing”. I beg of you do not listen, make that dinero so we can run away together live on an island and sip fruity drinks with rum and tiny umbrellas in it.  It may not empower other women, but you have hypnotized me enough to give me a giant giant erection. I am just being honest. With you, myself and my small community of fans, friends and family. You can have all the power in this love affair.

Hell we can even go to rehab together for sex, drug, and alcohol addiction. Hank Moody makes it look fun and if we learnt anything from life is that we should be influenced by those people on the television or the internet.

You are worth so much more than your sex appeal, I am sure you can play a killer game of scrabble, hell I would even play RISK with you even though that game takes hours.

O’Connor wants you to be a role model for other women, what better way then to fall in love with a young South African Comedian who wants nothing more than to be your right hand man as you conquer the world. Hell I can stay at home and watch “Angie” & “Momo” our miniature Schnauzer dogs.

I hope you read this and are woo’d (is that a real thing, can one woo a girl) I mean you get the Woo girls and now I am just sounding racist.

XOXO

Ariel

(PS if you do read this and you decide not to make sweet passionate nakedness with me can you maybe I dunno like lend me some money)

(Ps Ps this letter in no way prostitution or exploitation of myself neither to you nor the Comedy Business)