An Open Letter to Miley Cyrus in reply to the open letter sent to her by someone else.

Dear Miley

I am happy to hear that you have role models such as Sinead O’Connor. Especially because she is Irish and that means you can drink plenty. I mean not to push a stereotype but damn can they hit back some Guinness .

I am very please that you would like to dance around naked and show the world how much you love too lick sledge hammers. I am fan of tools. I am a fan of considerable talents and would very much love for you to sit and serenade me in pop song format that will not stand the test of time but is very much awesome in the here and now who needs more than that. I will be there with grapes feeding them to you one at a time as if you were Cleopatra and I was just some dude who would totally hit that.

“Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited,”- I agree, all those 0’s following the numbers on your bank balance is “Nothing”. I beg of you do not listen, make that dinero so we can run away together live on an island and sip fruity drinks with rum and tiny umbrellas in it.  It may not empower other women, but you have hypnotized me enough to give me a giant giant erection. I am just being honest. With you, myself and my small community of fans, friends and family. You can have all the power in this love affair.

Hell we can even go to rehab together for sex, drug, and alcohol addiction. Hank Moody makes it look fun and if we learnt anything from life is that we should be influenced by those people on the television or the internet.

You are worth so much more than your sex appeal, I am sure you can play a killer game of scrabble, hell I would even play RISK with you even though that game takes hours.

O’Connor wants you to be a role model for other women, what better way then to fall in love with a young South African Comedian who wants nothing more than to be your right hand man as you conquer the world. Hell I can stay at home and watch “Angie” & “Momo” our miniature Schnauzer dogs.

I hope you read this and are woo’d (is that a real thing, can one woo a girl) I mean you get the Woo girls and now I am just sounding racist.



(PS if you do read this and you decide not to make sweet passionate nakedness with me can you maybe I dunno like lend me some money)

(Ps Ps this letter in no way prostitution or exploitation of myself neither to you nor the Comedy Business)


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