The Dark Side – I’m a big bowl o’ crazy!



This post is more related to my personal well being and sanity and need to write this down. I am not sure just feel the need to share it.

2014 was meant to be hopefully, a way for me to kick on from what ever personal whinny, bitchy, girly issues I have been dealing with for the past few years. I was feeling more settled in Toronto, a steady job, a good group of friends, an interesting love life, hell I felt like life was on the right track and 2014 would prove me right in my justification for moving here. Guess what, it has but also kicked me square in the nuts like a woman on cheaters having caught her husband yelling “Oh you want her do you! Well I’ll make it so you never get an erection again!” Boom!

I got quite ill, my previous condition of only being born with one kidney came into affect and I developed kidney stones, as a result of the fact that my Kidney’s functionality had started to deteriorate. Its currently sitting around 57% capacity in case anyone was wondering. But let me grateful it happened in a 1st world country because now my newly needed Dialysis treatment is covered by the government and I do not have to pay a cent! People complain, here in Toronto, about how their Government doesn’t work, hate to tell you that in fact they have no idea. Try waiting for a passport for 3 – 4 months, or a bank losing a wire transfer, or a law that does not allow your media to talk freely then you know what a problem is. So your buses run every 15 minutes instead of every 10. At least you have buses!

I get side tracked while going through all of this I also battle with grief at the loss of someone. Some of you know the story some of you don’t. I find myself in a place where I try hard to let go but am just gripped by waves of anger, despair & uncontrollable depression. If you have run into me on one of these days I apologize, not for feeling the way I do but because it means I have probably not been the person I think I am or the person I want to be around you. This is how I was feeling at some point, that I could not get past this simple fact that I am grieving. Almost excuse like but did not want it to be that, and it is just how I felt. LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS GOSH!

Add to the fact that even though I have friends and family here I still at times feel isolated and alone and I often think to myself “man up Kagan”! Or “Gosh I can see your vagina from here”. That plays a factor in every relationship I have made here in Toronto. Thus I guess I projected my feelings onto people I was dating or hanging out with and made it awkward or too intense and that scares people away which I totally understand however it still doesn’t feel good. Oh Rejection got me so low. Thank you Offspring.

Now you reading this thinking woah man where the efff are you going with this. Well here it is last night I went to a metal show by a band called Bring me the Horizion. Yes I like angry white boys who play angry music because their moms didn’t hug them enough as children. Which is weird cause I got plenty of hugs as a child, hell even to this day. I’m a huger. But it was incredible being at the show. Sempiternal may be the best Screamo album for the last few years to come out. I was in the mix, moshing, rocking out and singing along to every word. And fuck do I feel fantastic today! I feel like everything that I have been holding onto for the past few months just went away, I am accepting of everything that is happening around me and all because of an act.

BMTH @ Sound Academy 23/02/14
BMTH @ Sound Academy 23/02/14

This relates to me and will tie in nicely so that it works to be on my site. Is that as a performer I hope I can have this same effect on someone sometime, that leave after seeing me do my thing and think “Thank you”. I would love to say that to each member of the crew and bands last night, who knows maybe they will read this. So thank you to everyone involved with the show at the Sound Academy last night! Here’s to hoping that once my one man show is ready, I can do this and help someone else!


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